she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
zippers are such a cool invention
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
