What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
