so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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