All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
