I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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