How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
