trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
