i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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