i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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