smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I met the friendliest cop last night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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