I cut my penus on the lid.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
