i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
