Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
