I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
