the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
