Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
