my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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