That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
