I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
