update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
