My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
