dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
