when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
