my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
