atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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