I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
