Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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