This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
