Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
