just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
