My brain says no but my pants say off.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
