I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
