At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
