Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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