Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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