I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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