The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
