Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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