Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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