1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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