so that wasnt chicken after all
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
not ubering you a puppy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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