i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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