Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
