Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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