He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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