Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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