Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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