Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
