She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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