I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
