This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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